When God Seems Far Away... Spiritual Growth in Times of Restlessness
As a deer longs for flowing streams,
so my soul longs for you, O God. (Psalm 42:1)
Recently, while singing a popular worship chorus of this psalm, I was distracted by the disconnect. The music was a gentle series of arches. The congregation sang beatifically, as though the psalmist was describing a warm pastoral scene. But an animal “longing or panting for” water is not a graceful pastoral image. Imagine a deer staggering through an arid wasteland and pressing its tongue forward in an effort to moisten its mouth. Water is life in an arid climate. Death stalks the dehydrated. The psalmist’s heart is panting after God, desperate to slake its thirst. The metaphor is stark. Here the desperation of a restless heart is on display. (In an attempt to resolve my inner dissonance between the psalm and song, I inserted a desperate panting noise into the verse. Sophia’s horrified look ended that experiment.)
The next section of the psalm intensifies the loneliness and restlessness.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and behold
the face of God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me continually,
“Where is your God?” (vv. 2-3)
The parallel structure of this poem connects the word soul with the word tears. The psalmist cries from the soul night and day without eating. When will God come? Where is he? These are the haunting questions we wrestle with in the sleepless bed restless for companionship. They are the questions of every restless heart. These questions reveal the “quiet desperation” Thoreau said was the smoldering beneath even the “games and amusements of mankind.”
In the Christian tradition these questions can be the start of a deeper life with God. Our utilitarian and consumer driven culture forms us to look for a life with God that will take the pain of restlessness away. It doesn’t, at least not for long. In his book on prayer, Ronald Rolheiser observes that feelings of joy and delight in the presence of God as we come to prayer are common at the beginning of a spiritual life, near a conversion, but that they recede quickly as we’re invited deeper into life with God.
So, what do we do when we’re overwhelmed by tears, restlessness, doubt, and nagging questions? Recently, a parent reached out looking for advice to give a middle school child who is restless to know if the stuff her family and community say about God’s love is true and relevant to her. Here are some things you can try at 11, 21, 31, or 51 when your soul feels restless.
1. Reframe Hunger – Just like physical hunger points to the reality of food and our body’s need for it, spiritual hunger points to the reality of a life with God and our need for it. But, unlike physical hunger, spiritual hunger is itself the result of God’s initiation and invitation. When you experience soul craving, name it as God’s work in you and notice how that simple action shapes your response.
2. Release Expectations – Too often we torpedo spiritual progress by having too specific expectations for what spiritual life will look like. We expect God to speak in an audible voice, dreams or visions, career success, relationships, or miraculous healing. When we narrow our expectations, we’re likely to miss the movements of God because it doesn’t fit our expectations.
3. Raise Expectancy – If we can release expectations the next step is to increase expectancy. When we are expectant, we’re looking for indications of God’s movement without determining in advance what those movements will look like. We recognize our soul’s thirst and we look for any indication of soul nurture as a clue to what God is doing.
4. Review the Day – Take 10 minutes to review the day. Ask for God’s guidance in this process. Spend 5 minutes reviewing those moments of joy, contentment, hope, and connection. Thank God for these and consider what God might want you to know. Now consider the difficult parts of the day, the disappointments, frustrations, fears, jealousies, etc. Hold them without judgment before deciding what to do with them. Where appropriate apologize (to God, yourself, or others). Where needed, ask for help. Conclude your review with a short prayer to notice God in the day to come.
What’s your current level of holy longing? How might these practices help?